So You Think Your Child Might Be an Anime Protagonist


We All Know What an Anime Protagonist Is

They’re the ones that have a multitude of friends, fight alien/robotic/demonic enemies, and sometimes they’re destined to be the savior of the world. If this concerns you as a parent—you are not alone!

It has been proven that at least 75% of all anime protagonists meet some kind of harrowing fate. And 25% meet their demise thanks to the source of their new power. If you would like to make sure that your child doesn’t become a magical girl/boy or the new King of Games, then keep reading and we can show you a few telltale signs of Aniprotagitis.

That’s a real word. Trust me. Don’t Google it.

Get a Haircut!

Some signs are absolute dead giveaways. For instance, if your child has very large and/or oddly colored hair, then this could mean that your child was born with Aniprotagitis and will always have it.

Some easy home remedies for this is to get your child routine haircuts and dyes. Since they don’t stand out much anymore, it ensures that any calling for adventure will avoid them. However, if left unchecked, they could be spotted and drafted into any number of heroics.

Pay Attention to Desk Placement

Another way this plague spreads is by your child’s desk placement in school. This may seem unimportant; however, there’s a positive correlation between children diagnosed with Aniprotagitis and children who sit in the back of the class next to the window.

Correlation does not equal causation, but it is still advised that you request, or even demand, that your child’s seat be swapped with another student. Your child might see some grade improvements from not sitting in the back, and the other child will get to go on a lovely adventure.

That or death. Probably death.

Your New Friend is a Bad Influence

A more nuanced issue is the topic of “new friends” in your child’s life. Has your child started hanging out with someone noticeably older or younger than them? Do they often wander off in the middle of the night with their “new friends” for no discernible reason?

Though rare, this could mean they’re not only affected by Aniprotagitis, but they’ve also succumbed to what I like to refer to as Mahoumosis. This completely real disease transforms your child into a magical boy/girl.

Mahoumosis is especially concerning because at least 45% of all anime protagonist deaths are comprised of magical boys/girls. It is also tricky to tag this one because you can’t just go around and accuse people of being magical boys/girls. This behavior was outlawed in 1973, and can cost you up to $350.

Aren’t You a Little Old for Stuffed Animals?

This last sign is kind of an odd subject. There is one trend that is simultaneously easy to find, but difficult to prove. If your concerned about whether or not your child is an anime protagonist, you should keep an eye on their pets or stuffed animals. Many children that become anime protagonists are given their power or missions from a cute animal or other creature that closely resembles a stuffed animal.

This stuffed appearance is no coincidence. They developed this evolutionary camouflage to hide from parents, making them blend in without seeming suspicious. Watch their movements and eventually you’ll catch them.

Getting them to break their cover is fairly easy, seeing as many of them are actually quite weak creatures. But the difficulty really comes from catching them. They are very observant and have cat-like reflexes.


Just keep an eye out for these signs, and you too can protect your child from Aniprotagitis. Which, did I mention, was a real word?